Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Bitten By Vanity

Today I had some photos taken for a book I am going to be featured in. The book is about *Smart, Sexy, Seattle women in their 20’s and will be out in October. In preparation to look my absolute best, I had a few beauty mishaps that I really should have seen coming. But sadly, I turned a blind eye and learned the hard way that vanity can truly be a bitch.

My first great idea was to (do not judge), darken up a bit via tanning. I decided on a place in Burien that looked nice. The woman behind the counter had 80’s hair and skin that looked like a honey baked ham. At no point, did my sensibility stop me from taking this gals advice. I blindly followed her into the room and proceeded to bake my “fairest of them all” complexion. About 2 hours after my session, my skin started to turn bright red and remained that way for the next week or so. It was the most pain I have ever felt. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit, couldn’t shower or go anywhere in public where a bra was required. Finally, the pain eased and phase two began. In phase two every square inch of me started peeling off. There was no hiding it, as EVERY SQUARE INCH of me was molting. At this point, I was tired of hiding indoors and just went about my daily business dressed as usual hoping the general public would assume I had some sort of rare and mysterious disease. The most embarrassing part of this whole “fake-n-bake” is the fact that every time Tom B. would look at me...he would bust out laughing. He did at one point go buy me some pain spray and hose me down. Not really the most romantic point of our relationship, but the boy is helpful.

My second big beauty no-no was going to an uncharted, untested, unheard of “spa” for eyebrow waxing…...48 hours before the photo shoot. I am going to give you the name of this place, as I don't want ANY of you under ANY circumstance to go there EVER. It is new and called “Spa Botanical” in the Grand Central Station in Pioneer Square. As I walked in and noticed the unfinished treatment rooms and untidy conditions my brain was screaming, “leave this very minute”. Instead I decided to chance it and give some unknown woman a go at my face with hot wax. This woman butchered my eyebrows. One is noticeably shorter than the other and I’m left with this odd, slightly quizzical expression. It’s bad. All I can say is, “thank god”, for my Italian heritage. Everything should grow back in a few weeks. In the meantime, there are always eyebrow pencils. The worst part of this waxing experience? I paid in full…..and tipped. It was all I could muster to just wander out speechless.

Wasn’t it Thoreau who said, “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes”? I’m going to amend it to “Beware of all enterprises that require new looks”. Vanity kicked my ass.

*this is a blatant lie. No wonder my karma is messed up. The book is really about Seattle Boutique Owners.

( not the look I was going for, but when you see the book tell me I look pretty anyway)


always sunny said...

awwwwhahahahahahawwwww. i feel bad, but it made for a great blog! hahahhah. i am still sorry it happened, and i CANNOT wait to see the photo's.

C. Smith said...

scroll down...that is the photo. Don't I look pretty?

Modest Mousketeer said...

You poor thing! What a disaster. I'm sure you found a way to make the photos work though, perhaps a strategically lit profile shot so as to avoid any obvious comparison of your brows.

C. Smith said...

Yes, I kept my head tipped at a certain angle the entire photo shoot. I'm sure the photographer thought I had some sort of neck kink.

babyhoot. said...

I almost feel bad at how loud I laughed reading this. :) It was the oompa loompa pic that sealed the deal. if I had a sip of water in my mouth I would have done that "perfect-timing-spit-water-out-in-laughter" people do on TV sitcoms.